112 B.Q. (before Quinn)
March 24, 2014
Hello Children, (yes, I meant that to sound creepy)
I've been doing a lot of hormonal reading and I felt the need to share some insights I have found. These books are 1. Dad is Fat xJim Gaffigan & 2. Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children x no one famous. I guess I felt these two (one funny and one certainly not) would balance each other out- PLUS it takes me a year or so to finish a book so sometimes I have to mix it up.
Anyway, last night for example, I was reading the Buddhism book and thinking about how precious you both are and how dearly I must hold every moment of your lives even/especially when I'm mad because THIS is the only moment we may have. Right now. and now. and now. This book teaches me that I must be forgiving of myself when I "lose it"- (Which happened last week with Deklan as he completed 3 time-outs and then proceeded to draw on the wall, so I calmly placed him in his room, said- "that was not O.K.", closed the door and screamed "GODDAMIT!!!!!" while throwing a broom and tearfully looking for a magic eraser.) Anyway, forgiving myself ...and allowing you to just be who you are instead of anticipating the day that you will understand not to misbehave, learn to talk, make your own meals, etc... or in Quinn's case- grow bigger, be in my arms, quit kicking me in the crotch, etc... in both of your cases- become something great, influence the World in positive ways, cure cancer or something...
I get that I should (and I do) appreciate the little miracles you are right now- 1 3/4 year old and 6mos fetal. That is why I got up in the middle of the night last night after putting this book down and held Deklan tight until he promptly woke up and wondered why I was in his bed. Seriously, you looked confused. I was crying over UNICEF rates for children dying of starvation and thinking of how beautifully you ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today without smearing it on the couch. I was (seriously I was) thanking God for choosing us to have not just 1 but 2 children, and I was sobbing like the day I was born. No wonder you (Deks) rolled over and hugged me. But then for the next 2 hours you didn't stop rolling over, so eventually I decided a "good" parent would leave so she could pee and have her pillows propped up just the way she likes and not have a night light in her eyes any longer. And this is what I did.
Today, I'm having another existential crisis (I try to spin this as "hey, a hormone flux just means Quinn must be growing!") but after reading the Dad is Fat book, I have confirmed my crisis is bullsh**. I have all these thoughts and dreams and guilts over how to be a great parent and being Zen in my parenting, when really, I'm just anxious. I'm anxious and worried. I want to see how all this plays out and what life has in store; I'm worried that I'll screw it up... all at the same time knowing yeah, pregnancy is like this- a mixed bag, so I'm feeling exactly as I should...
I'll end this with my favorite quote form my favorite supervisor (She doesn't read this I'm sure, so no royalties shall be paid) "Never forget how truly insignificant you are." I'm not kidding, kids. There are times in life when yes, you need to be accountable for your actions and realize you influence others lives often in a very permanent way, but if you're like your mother, you will need to also remember that you don't do it alone. The weight of the World is not carried on only your shoulders, and you are not so powerful as to influence the outcome of every outcome. Another amazing quote from Glenda- (this time royalties are surely owed, but hey, Glenda, add it to my tab!) "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans" (Actually, I guess these royalties go to John Lennon, but I'll still give Glenda a cut). Just remember, you can plan and hope and dream and worry, but Life controls you more than you control it, so enjoy every minute of the ride. especially now.
1:59 Deks woke from nap. I kept typing till 2:15 and now I'll go enjoy him, till Dad comes home and then I can take a bath- alone ;)
Love you, both!!!