Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Sorry, Not Sorry!

Bless me, children for I have sinned. My last offense was 5 minutes ago...

(Before I even start, and on a complete side note- I think its funny that I still have not bookmarked this blog. I have to Google search for it every time. Calafam? Calafamily? Calahan Family?)

I'll keep this short, mainly because I have to. 

My hair dresser once told me, "The secret, is to get up early. Get up before your kids so you can have a cup of coffee by yourself, and take a shower without anyone rushing you. The secret is- (she really said this, kids) Just don't sleep!" Bitch. Of course SHE could afford this luxury. Only SHE could turn lack of sleep into a luxury. She's blonde and cute, tiny waist... "The secret is- Just don't eat!" I say to myself in mockery. 

But then I heard this sage advice, again on a podcast. I listen to podcasts to fall asleep every night. I hardly have time for my own thoughts, so I find comfort in falling asleep to the strung together, coherent thoughts of other people. "Mighty Mommy" as she has probably dubbed herself, said "to boost your energy and productivity try getting up just 30-45 min earlier than the rest of your family. JUST 30-45 min?! 

Alright so here I am; been up since 4:00 am. Super great... I couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought, let me try this. I took a shower, I even used the new body scrub I bought but haven't used before today because I didn't want to call Deklan's attention to it and have him spill it all over the tub. I even washed my hair without someone yelling,"It's raining!!!". And that's where I went wrong- I spent too much time on one activity when I had a million ideas for things I want to do alone! I gambled it all away on one shower. 

Afterwards, I glued on all my nails while the cat meowed at me in anger for wanting to be fed. "How dare you be up and not feed me! Meow meow". I tell him, "Shut up! I got up so no one would bother me!" Then, Deklan woke up. I could hear him fall out of bed and start trying the door knob (which thank God you haven't mastered yet.) Chills ran down my spine. I'm busted. It is now 6:05, a mere 15 min from the time I quit breastfeeding and gave up on falling back to sleep. I chose to ignore Deklan and find humor in the situation through this blog "real quick". I'm pretty sure he's spying on me from under his door. He's banging things around in there, tempting me to go check on him but I resist. Then Joel walks in, "Why are you up? What are you doing typing on the floor?" I repsond, "I got up so no one would bother me." :( He grunts as if to say, "geez...what's you're problem". It's true too, I'm fluent in his grunts by now. 

This all went downhill quickly. Increased productivity, my butt.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Family ROOOAD trip! #1

Yo, Yo, Yo, Kids!! (Someday I'm going to say stuff like that to you in front of your friends just to embarrass you-- sweetly of course)

Last week we went on a 9-10 hr road trip to Tahoe to stay in the "Kinser Kabin". Daddy ran a marathon around the lake. Mommy ran a diaper marathon around the clock. We all had a great time!- seriously. Deklan was potty training (which means he repeatedly crapped his underwear- no really we came with 14 pairs of underpants which Grammy calls "panties" hee hee hee, and he went through all of them, twice.) Quinn just wanted to be held a lot, which I was prepared for. We made signs for Daddy, and cheered him on around mile 9. Deklan roasted his first 'mallow. He really seemed to LOVE the outdoors. A dirty boy, covered in snot (which helps the pine needles stick better),  found a caterpillar and poked it in the eye. Don't forget to imagine the poop in his pants that bothers him not.
THANK GOD for Grammy and Poppy. At first we felt like we were walking into a death trap. The cabin was nice, but as new parents, in a new place, naturally we flipped out the first night when Deklan almost cracked his head open on the brick fireplace. Again, I freaked out when I realized I was sleeping with a family of spiders. Again, we freaked out upon seeing Deklan master the stairs and the pier- assuming he'd no sooner fall to his death. Grammy and Poppy kept it cool.

And the melt downs..OHH the melt downs... This is how that went down:
   We pull up on a park with another little boy who is already there. Deklan brings his tractors (2 of them- 1 green, 1 red. They start to play and share. Now here comes another boy covered in marker who could care less about a tractor at this point. Great! Then his (marker-boy's) mom pulls up and sees the other 2 playing with tractors and finds this to be a prime opportunity for her son to make friends, although what it REALLY was was an opportunity for her to instill chaos. THIS LADY pulls out a bigger, double digger/loader truck and gives it to not-my-son who then cries for his turn and decides he never wants to give this up. Thanks, Lady. What a peach. So when we finally leave, Deklan cries and screams- MINE! MIIIIIINE! The woman calls back- "If you want one, just google 'Dump trump' and it was the first one to pop up!" I almost gave her the "bird" (I'll explain that to you later). Deklan then cried through dinner, the walk home, and a lovely hour or so once back at the cabin.

The Kinser Kabin

This picture that make you seem like angels...

Deks nearly burning his hand....

Deks nearly falling to his "death"....

Daddy being awesome...

...and a good time was had by all...
Love, Mom & Dad.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

How I am trying to escape being a SAHM

Dearest Babies,

        I LOVE you, I really really do...
Deklan: You are so brilliant. I am trying to potty train you and you are really started to foreshadow for me how I think you'll be when you are a teenager. You do not care if you stink (and you do). You do not care if you have snot running down your face and into your mouth. The more I ask you to do something, the less likely you are to do it. You seem to like to feel as though everything is your idea. Poop in the potty? -if you want to, Eat a veggie?- if you want to. Other things that are difficult to get you to do- get out of the bath, sit at the table, brush your teeth, leave your blankie at home, eat anything besides bread or candy, put on shoes, put on pants, drink slowly, and go to sleep...to name a few. You are a little sponge though! You repeat everything like "Adios" and "Gracias". You are kinda a "follower" although not in a bad way so far. You just like to watch what others are doing and then try it out for yourself. You are observant and fearless. My favorite quality about you though is your empathy. Once when I was mad, I thought I was playing it cool, not even Daddy knew I was mad, and you kept saying, "Mommy sad. Mommy sad, stop it." You often ask me if I'm happy, you ask other children if they are ok when you see them get hurt. You run to Quinn when she's crying to make sure she's alright. I adore this about you.

Quinn: if you are comparing the size of these paragraphs, don't. Right now you are mostly just a blob of baby. Your personality shows a little already, but you don't do much. Today we stayed home together and literally- we napped. I quickly shoveled some food down during a calm moment, but then at the first utterings of what I feared would become a cry, I held and fed you again. You sleep pretty well at night, but falling asleep is sometimes hard for you. Every night from about 7:30-8:30 you cry and fight sleep. I don't get it! it's all you've been doing anyway... Deklan loves to try to hold you. He kisses you a lot and holds your hand, but you don't seem to like that. You sleep next to me in your bassinet, but usually I wake up with you on my chest (I move you to feed you and then fall asleep mid-burping). You are 1.5 mos now and you smile more and this just tickles me! I think you're absolutely beautiful. You love to be in your carrier, although it makes me feel like 100 million degrees. You never want to be put down. I love to hold you both in each arm and thank God for two beautiful wonderful babies.

Daddy was told we would be moving to Texas for his work, but just recently it got cancelled. Mommy was planning to go back to work but in short, everyone quit while I was on maternity leave. Everything is is limbo right now. Where will we live? What will we do? Will I work? Will Quinn go to daycare with Deklan at La Petite? For how long? How will I breastfeed still? After Daddy's paternity leave, I've really only spent 2 weeks as a SAHM, but I've already gone on one interview  (Quinn came with and was such a lady, but she did poop and burp in my lap- whatever as long as there was no crying). I didn't like the company so this week I have contacted my old agency to put feelers out. After having written this I realize even more what a blessing it is to get so much time to bond with you both. I love having time with you each 1:1. I also want to provide. I know Deklan LOVES school and he is so bright. Right now he is also trying out gymnastics and soccer. I want you both to get to try anything you want, and also--- I love my job! My mom worked and my grandmas worked too. I guess I have a family of women that can do it all! I think by putting us in limbo, God is telling me right now- just sit still, enjoy this time...you'll never get it back. Thank you Joel for this gift of time with my kids. Thank you kids for this time with you. Never in a million years did I think my life would turn out so remarkable...

Love Mommy & Daddy.  

you do this at dinner every night...

You won't let me set you down, so I fold laundry on your head 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

You're late!

2 Days till your "due date"...

Dear Quinn,

      Well, while technically you aren't late, yet, but you may as well be! I thought you seemed so eager to get out that you would be here at week 38. Why do my babies like to stay in so long? Even the Dr. didn't think you'd take this long, but what does he know? I'm so glad there will be others helping deliver you because I'll be honest... I don't know how much this (particular) doctor understands about the process. Apparently he has a daughter, but we get the feeling he is somewhat new. Anyway though, I do trust him overall and I think we will be fine.

      Deklan is starting to understand you! The other day he hit me in the belly and I felt you squirm. I got so mad I put him on timeout. When I took him to daycare I explained that he needs to protect you and that nobody is allowed to hit you. He stuck out his pointer finger and said "NO! NO! NOBODY QUINN!" He hasn't done it since. Today, I was little worried because you haven't seemed to move as much (probably you are running out of room). I asked Daddy to come over and hold you because I feel like you can sense whose hands belong to whom. Sure enough you wiggled a bit, but here's the picture- I'm laying on the couch, shirt pulled up, Daddy standing over me with both hand gently pushing on my stomach. Deklan comes over yelling, "STOP IT! LET GO! THAT'S QUINN!" We had to laugh with pride. "That's right! It's Quinn!" so then he says, "COME OUT, QUINN." Seriously, come out.

      What are you thinking about in there? Are you waiting for the Super Moon tonight? Maybe you have a specific birth date in mind already...I thought you might come out while Grammy & Poppy were here, then I thought you might come while we were at the birthday party for  a friend today. Not because I've felt any signs, I just thought you might not want to miss out. My friend Marby says you're being "fashionably late".

       With Deklan I ate spicy hot wings and black licorice, primrose oil, balsamic vinaigrette, basil, wine and bouncing around. I didn't really feel anything until my water broke that night. With you, I tried primrose oil, wine, yoga ball, eggplant parmesan, pineapple, balsamic vinaigrette, and ...prayer. I still feel nothing.

        Its hard to decide if this will be my last pregnancy. I love feeling that connection to my babies, I love to feel you move and grow, but overall I don't 100% love being pregnant. Not only that but I like the thought of having an even number of kids. It's like you're partnered up. Plus no one is so far apart in age that you lose connection. Still, I guess time will tell for sure.

        I've spent my time looking through old photos and videos of Deklan's birth. I'm trying to remember what I need to bring and how scary was it actually. I remember saying after Deklan was born that I'd do it again. I don't remember it hurting at all. In fact, I was a little bummed that I couldn't even feel how hard I was pushing. I hope to see you or feel your progress just a little. Tomorrow, I have nothing planned so feel free to show up! Monday we have a doc appt for Deklan, Tuesday lunch with Marby, and Wednesday is my doctor appt. If you aren't here by then, the doctor will induce me. That makes me a little nervous, so while I trust in your time and God's, please don't take that long...

I can't wait to snuggle your face. Neither can the boys. We all want to hold you already, and I plan to bake some of Grandma Carol's special oatmeal chocolate chip cookies soon.  Love you!


     Mommy & Daddy (I wrote all this but he's here next to me)

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Reflections of you...

26 days B.Q.


Dear Quinn,

     I'm so sorry baby, I haven't written to you as much as I would have liked. I've been juggling work and Deklan and I'm so tired most days I just have to come home and sit down. BUT, I am so excited at how close we are to meeting you face to face. You move so much! I've seen your heel or knee or something roll across my tummy and I am just in awe of how you move. Already, you feel like a different personality than Deklan when he was in there (I don't know how to describe this, just a different person). I drew him a picture of our family and tried explaining to him where you are. He is able to say, "Quinn" and point to my belly, but I wonder how he will actually react once he meets you. Recently he moved up to the 2's room at daycare and he is one of the smallest in there. He is having a hard time transitioning (which they've said is typical) but I've been trying to explain to him that he was born to be a big bro. I know it's hard to grow up fast and suddenly, but he's right on track. He's exactly where he is meant to be and so are you.
     I haven't talked much about your job. I think you will teach your bro softness and the mind of a woman. I imagine you and Deklan will be reflection of Joel and I (but in a brother-sister way). Joel and Uncle Doug were best friends in High School and I think it was all that my brothers taught me about managing my emotions and getting along with boys that helps me be a good wife and mother today. Maybe you'll want those things and it's also ok if you don't, but I'd like you to reflect yourself onto your brother and allow him to reflect onto you. You will both be/are wonderful kids and together you will be a handful some days but you will be wonderful squared. I vow to treat my family the way I'd like you to treat people. I know some days I will be tired and I will not always be up to par, but hopefully I can teach you how to "fail" gracefully as well, and how to get up again to face another day. I love you Quinn.  I feel like simply having you in my life will blow my mind. I have a lot to learn about you.


     Mommy <3 p="">
P.S. Come out soon ;)

Monday, March 24, 2014

Time will tell.........

112 B.Q. (before Quinn)

March 24, 2014

Hello Children, (yes, I meant that to sound creepy)

            I've been doing a lot of hormonal reading and I felt the need to share some insights I have found. These books are 1. Dad is Fat xJim Gaffigan & 2. Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children x no one famous. I guess I felt these two (one funny and one certainly not) would balance each other out- PLUS it takes me a year or so to finish a book so sometimes I have to mix it up.

           Anyway, last night for example, I was reading the Buddhism book and thinking about how precious you both are and how dearly I must hold every moment of your lives even/especially when I'm mad because THIS is the only moment we may have. Right now. and now. and now. This book teaches me that I must be forgiving of myself when I "lose it"- (Which happened last week with Deklan as he completed 3 time-outs and then proceeded to draw on the wall, so I calmly placed him in his room, said- "that was not O.K.", closed the door and screamed "GODDAMIT!!!!!" while throwing a broom and tearfully looking for a magic eraser.) Anyway, forgiving myself ...and allowing you to just be who you are instead of anticipating the day that you will understand not to misbehave, learn to talk, make your own meals, etc... or in Quinn's case- grow bigger, be in my arms, quit kicking me in the crotch, etc... in both of your cases- become something great, influence the World in positive ways, cure cancer or something...

          I get that I should (and I do) appreciate the little miracles you are right now- 1 3/4 year old and 6mos fetal. That is why I got up in the middle of the night last night after putting this book down and held Deklan tight until he promptly woke up and wondered why I was in his bed. Seriously, you looked confused. I was crying over UNICEF rates for children dying of starvation and thinking of how beautifully you ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today without smearing it on the couch. I was (seriously I was) thanking God for choosing us to have not just 1 but 2 children, and I was sobbing like the day I was born. No wonder you (Deks) rolled over and hugged me. But then for the next 2 hours you didn't stop rolling over, so eventually I decided a "good" parent would leave so she could pee and have her pillows propped up just the way she likes and not have a night light in her eyes any longer. And this is what I did.

         Today, I'm having another existential crisis  (I try to spin this as "hey, a hormone flux just means Quinn must be growing!") but after reading the Dad is Fat book, I have confirmed my crisis is bullsh**. I have all these thoughts and dreams and guilts over how to be a great parent and being Zen in my parenting, when really, I'm just anxious. I'm anxious and worried. I want to see how all this plays out and what life has in store; I'm worried that I'll screw it up... all at the same time knowing yeah, pregnancy is like this- a mixed bag, so I'm feeling exactly as I should...

       I'll end this with my favorite quote form my favorite supervisor (She doesn't read this I'm sure, so no royalties shall be paid) "Never forget how truly insignificant you are." I'm not kidding, kids. There are times in life when yes, you need to be accountable for your actions and realize you influence others lives often in a very permanent way, but if you're like your mother, you will need to also remember that you don't do it alone. The weight of the World is not carried on only your shoulders, and you are not so powerful as to influence the outcome of every outcome. Another amazing quote from Glenda- (this time royalties are surely owed, but hey, Glenda, add it to my tab!) "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans" (Actually, I guess these royalties go to John Lennon, but I'll still give Glenda a cut). Just remember, you can plan and hope and dream and worry, but Life controls you more than you control it, so enjoy every minute of the ride. especially now.
        1:59 Deks woke from nap. I kept typing till 2:15 and now I'll go enjoy him, till Dad comes home and then I can take a bath- alone ;)

Love you, both!!!


Sunday, February 23, 2014

Quinn Carol Calahan!!

141 days to go....

Dear Quinn,

           You are a GIRL!! We found out on Valentine's Day and even though we weren't "expecting" either gender, we were so excited to feel as though we knew you, now. We always knew that we would name you after our moms- Carol Ann Martin & Carol Jean Calahan. They are wonderful women and I am sure you will be, too.

Now that we know, I've started collecting stuff for you and decorating your room. Deklan has been giving your things a "test run", and Daddy felt and saw you kick for the first time today! We are all so beyond excited to have you in our lives. 
I don't want to anticipate too much but besides my mom I've never had a girl so close to me, and I feel overwhelmed (in good ways) with all that I want to teach you! Not to mention, how curious I am about all that you'll be teaching us. Daddy is scared he'll be a push over, I'm scared I'll have to then be the "bad guy", and Deklan has no idea yet what's about to happen in 4 mos. He can point to you and say "Baby", but I'm not convinced he really knows what's going on. 

My nausea has subsided and my energy is back mostly. I also noticed that I'm not as anxious with you (probably because I have more confidence in my parenting now). You seem to like clamato juice, bruschetta, virgin bloody marys, and I sometimes also crave tomato soup, which I think is kinda weird. You like to be warm and I think you are pretty good at watching your "girlish figure" (meaning- I don't tend to over eat as much with you as I did with Deks). I'm planning to decorate your room in kind of a Japanese decora fashion. I guess I'm relishing in my little girl fantasies of tons of accessories and Hello Kitty. I can't wait to get to know what you like and what things you'll pick for yourself. I imagine you're very smart and have a great mind of your own. I hope for you that you'll always be patient, kind, insightful, and sensitive to others. I hope Deklan is always there to look out for you, too and be a role model for you.

Love you, Baby Q!

-Mommy, Daddy, and Deks