Tuesday, January 1, 2013

How to Improperly Dispose of a Real Christmas Tree:

January 1, 2013 (<--sweet! I wrote it right on the first try!)

Dear Deklan,

       There will be many times in your life when you will have to figure things out the hard way, but don't waste your time on a live Christmas tree. Hopefully, this will save you some time some day...

How to improperly dispose of a real Christmas Tree:

Step 1: When watering the tree, make sure the stump barely touches the water so it is sure to dry out.
Step 2: Once the tree is completely crispy, you should be able to pluck the ornaments off while making the biggest mess possible.
Step 3: Make sure to use ripping motions while taking down the lights so you really scatter the tiny needles everywhere; really coat the carpet.
Step 4: Time to take the tree outside- Pick up the tree (before having removed it from the stand) and jerk it out the front door. This shoud leave your carpet a soaked evergreen mess.
Step 5: Realize you forgot to take all of the ornaments off the tree.
Step 6: Shake your door mat (which is now also soaked) so that it sprays stale water and pine needles directly into your mouth and eyes.
Step 7: Forget about the tree come trash day, and leave it outside till your lease is up or it disintegrates, whichever comes sooner.

Merry First Christmas and Happy First New Year, lovey. We are so lucky to have you here to spend it with us. Also- Congrats on your first 2 teeth. I always tell you Grandma Carol is the tooth fairy and she would bring you teeth (also, hopefully she will be the one leaving money under your pillow for tooth pickup).

Love you!

-Momma & Dada (as you put it)

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