Wednesday, August 22, 2012

We have a family heirloom. It's called anxiety.

Deklan,

Lately, papa dale has been trying to do some home projects, but he can't seem to finish any before he gets distracted and has some other idea. I want us to go visit him in November so that maybe we can help. This is how our family deals with stress. We start projects.

When Grandma Carol died, my brothers and I went to the hallway and fixed a light that had shorted out or something. Like immediately after she died. As if her dying was the catalyst for fixing a light, in a hallway- a hall we rarely used. Weird.

Today was a hard day for me. We went to the dr. I was going to see about this anxiety I have (& will probably bestow upon you). But they cancelled my appointment just as soon as I got there, which did not help one iota. This evening while simultaneously watching a movie, eating dinner, and organizing the medicine cabinet, I realized how much anxiety is a part of me. Later as I continued the movie, had a conversation with Joel, searched for what smells like cat pee, changed you into your pajamas, I realized this will effect you, too. Know that it's ok.

Sure anxiety (to me) feels like spiders crawling up your back, but it keeps the house clean, gets movies returned on time, and homework done early. I just wish I could figure out what things to do now and what can wait. You will probably find lists all over the house. NOTE: THIS IS NOT ADHD. We, Martins, are not doing this things because we are truly distracted. No, it is more like a constant search to feel complete/satisfied.

The same thing happens with food sometimes. I eat dinner, then I think maybe just a piece of chocolate will make me feel complete... No.

I blame Grandpa George (it's ok, he's dead. He can't argue). But from what I hear, he was a worrier. My mom always called him when she got home to let him know she was safe even until she was 59. See? You don't out grow that in this family- you call me!

Mom (my mom) was the same way. It's a bittersweet blessing, but try to remember its legacy. Find what works for you and what sets you off. Be self aware. Tell yourself sometimes, this is anxiety. This is what it feels like. And ride it out. Naps sometimes help. Anxiety feeds on a lack of sleep. Don't be afraid to look to medicine for help. And never forget the good it brings you also.

Who knows? Maybe you won't be anxious, but I'm anxious to find out!

Like Grandma Carol says- "it'll all be ok." just keep breathing. I often think, "when I'm dead, will I remember this?" no.  "when I die, will I say, 'if ONLY I had organized the medicine cabinet!!" no.
I will however think, "if only I had slowed down, and enjoyed that movie with my husband and son, instead of doing a million things at once" ...deeeeeep breath. Be where you are sometimes.

Love you, baby.

-mom.