Thursday, July 19, 2012
Dear Deklan, As you grow older you may hear people say (you may even hear me say) things regarding the joys of motherhood. Most of these may be lies. You spit up a lot (sometimes down my entire outfit), you scream at 3am, you never let me eat a meal unless you are eating too, and you've peed on me more times than I can count. But while these times may not be the highlights of my day I'm not complaining either. You do fill me with joy that is so deep, it may even take me days to put words to it. Here are a few True joys of not just motherhood, but of being your mother: 1. 100 years with you wouldn't be enough. 2. Somedays, even though it won't always be good for you, I lay you on my chest all day because one day, you can't/won't and I just want to soak it up while it lasts. Ive already been your pillow for many nights even though you may not realize or remember it, & I'll be your pillow for many more as long as you need me. 3. No matter what the future brings, I never want to be too far from you. Physical space is one thing; I'll start with a monitor and learn to deal with that, but no one or thing could keep my heart from wanting to be right where you are. 4. I will do my best to protect you from everyone and everything. This means that I will go towards every scary noise. I will come face to face with monsters. Sometimes that monster may be myself. 5. I will hear you cry. This won't always seem like a joy, but it will mean you're healthy, you feel, and you care about something. And that, to me, is joyous. The greatest joy for me right now, with you here asleep on my heart, is that even though my mom is not physically here, I now know a tiny bit of how my mom must feel about me. I've been praying and dreaming of a sign from her that shes still with me, & you know what? She chose you to be her messenger. She knows me, because I would have trouble believing anyone else. Thanks,Deklan. Love, Mom.