Thursday, September 6, 2012

Doll hairs & $ense


       Daddy & I decided we needed to document this because:
A. We are proud of ourselves
B. Someday you'll scream some version of "you Never give me AnYthing!!!"

We did some financial overhaul today. We made sure we had each other on all accounts, we updated the will, we met with a financial adviser, we are setting up an IRA for you & future siblings... We've called banks, read pamphlets, asked family for advice.. Was this fun? Absolutely not. Until, that is, we could step back and see what we have made for you. Uncle Mike (my uncle Mike) said he felt like this when he dropped his kids off at Villanova. It's pride. Concrete evidence that we worked hard to help ensure your success in the future.

It doesn't make sense to you now & you may not feel grateful till you have to do it for your own kids someday, but we love you enough to invest in your future anyway. Maybe you'll be an astronaut, maybe a  garbage man, maybe work at McDonalds till you're 35 (please, don't) but whatever you do, you'll have this little bit to help you afford your dreams. (As long as you don't dream of something illegal or entirely stupid because as long as we're alive, we don't want you ruining a good thing for yourself). 

So, no, you can't spend it on your girlfriend, you can't invest in your buddy's chop shop.

DO NOT dip into this because you suddenly want cable, an expansive "beanie baby" collection, or a new car *(dream car, ok maybe).

DO USE THIS for/towards traveling the world, going to college, starting a business, buying a house near the ocean, or putting your parents in a nice retirement community...

If I find out you spent this on thousands of pizzas or gambling, I'll kill you.

loooove youuuuuu....

Mom & Dad.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

We have a family heirloom. It's called anxiety.


Lately, papa dale has been trying to do some home projects, but he can't seem to finish any before he gets distracted and has some other idea. I want us to go visit him in November so that maybe we can help. This is how our family deals with stress. We start projects.

When Grandma Carol died, my brothers and I went to the hallway and fixed a light that had shorted out or something. Like immediately after she died. As if her dying was the catalyst for fixing a light, in a hallway- a hall we rarely used. Weird.

Today was a hard day for me. We went to the dr. I was going to see about this anxiety I have (& will probably bestow upon you). But they cancelled my appointment just as soon as I got there, which did not help one iota. This evening while simultaneously watching a movie, eating dinner, and organizing the medicine cabinet, I realized how much anxiety is a part of me. Later as I continued the movie, had a conversation with Joel, searched for what smells like cat pee, changed you into your pajamas, I realized this will effect you, too. Know that it's ok.

Sure anxiety (to me) feels like spiders crawling up your back, but it keeps the house clean, gets movies returned on time, and homework done early. I just wish I could figure out what things to do now and what can wait. You will probably find lists all over the house. NOTE: THIS IS NOT ADHD. We, Martins, are not doing this things because we are truly distracted. No, it is more like a constant search to feel complete/satisfied.

The same thing happens with food sometimes. I eat dinner, then I think maybe just a piece of chocolate will make me feel complete... No.

I blame Grandpa George (it's ok, he's dead. He can't argue). But from what I hear, he was a worrier. My mom always called him when she got home to let him know she was safe even until she was 59. See? You don't out grow that in this family- you call me!

Mom (my mom) was the same way. It's a bittersweet blessing, but try to remember its legacy. Find what works for you and what sets you off. Be self aware. Tell yourself sometimes, this is anxiety. This is what it feels like. And ride it out. Naps sometimes help. Anxiety feeds on a lack of sleep. Don't be afraid to look to medicine for help. And never forget the good it brings you also.

Who knows? Maybe you won't be anxious, but I'm anxious to find out!

Like Grandma Carol says- "it'll all be ok." just keep breathing. I often think, "when I'm dead, will I remember this?" no.  "when I die, will I say, 'if ONLY I had organized the medicine cabinet!!" no.
I will however think, "if only I had slowed down, and enjoyed that movie with my husband and son, instead of doing a million things at once" ...deeeeeep breath. Be where you are sometimes.

Love you, baby.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Joys of Motherhood: & other lies your mother told you

Dear Deklan, As you grow older you may hear people say (you may even hear me say) things regarding the joys of motherhood. Most of these may be lies. You spit up a lot (sometimes down my entire outfit), you scream at 3am, you never let me eat a meal unless you are eating too, and you've peed on me more times than I can count. But while these times may not be the highlights of my day I'm not complaining either. You do fill me with joy that is so deep, it may even take me days to put words to it. Here are a few True joys of not just motherhood, but of being your mother: 1. 100 years with you wouldn't be enough. 2. Somedays, even though it won't always be good for you, I lay you on my chest all day because one day, you can't/won't and I just want to soak it up while it lasts. Ive already been your pillow for many nights even though you may not realize or remember it, & I'll be your pillow for many more as long as you need me. 3. No matter what the future brings, I never want to be too far from you. Physical space is one thing; I'll start with a monitor and learn to deal with that, but no one or thing could keep my heart from wanting to be right where you are. 4. I will do my best to protect you from everyone and everything. This means that I will go towards every scary noise. I will come face to face with monsters. Sometimes that monster may be myself. 5. I will hear you cry. This won't always seem like a joy, but it will mean you're healthy, you feel, and you care about something. And that, to me, is joyous. The greatest joy for me right now, with you here asleep on my heart, is that even though my mom is not physically here, I now know a tiny bit of how my mom must feel about me. I've been praying and dreaming of a sign from her that shes still with me, & you know what? She chose you to be her messenger. She knows me, because I would have trouble believing anyone else. Thanks,Deklan. Love, Mom.

Monday, June 11, 2012

You finally arrived!

Dear Deklan,

        You are finally here! Let me tell you how that happened...

   I was really tired of being pregnant so I googled natural ways to induce labor. There were 40 and I tried about 30; some including hot wings, black licorice, evening primrose oil, basil, oregano, & wine (a small glass). At 2:40am my water broke and we headed to the hospital. I was 41 weeks & 1 day pregnant. I delivered you at 4:27pm even though you scared us all by having a dramatically declining heart rate 3x during labor. Dr. White said your umbilical cord was short. But, you made it! I could tell because your Daddy's voice went from coaching & concern to sheer joy when he saw you come out. He said he was in awe. They laid you on my chest and we played the Beach Boys so we could feel like Grandma Carol was there with us. Dr. White assured me she was. And when I felt you, it was as if someone had just cut out my most favorite and precious organ and took it out for me to see. Yeah, that sounds gross, but all I mean is- I knew you were this little part of me and I needed you & you needed me, and finally we were face to face. Like meeting your heart and saying, "hey, thanks for my life thus far..."  

     Now here you are! 1 week and 2 days old! Mommy & Daddy snuggling you everyday. We take turns napping, changing, and feeding you. Yup, you won the jackpot with daddies. Yours bottle feeds you b-milk when I'm tired. He plays with you and takes tons of pictures. He picked out a manly diaper bag today and one of his favorite childhood books "The Hungry Caterpillar" to read to you. He even tried to console you by holding you while he ate in the restaurant where we tried dining for the first time with you. He teaches me a lot about how to put the car seat in, or how to secure it to a shopping cart. On top of it all, he never forgets to kiss us goodnight.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Day Deklan Saved a Life.

You're late. 6 days in fact. Dear little June-bug, I am going crazy waiting for you. I've tried everything. I've even been bouncing on an exercise ball all afternoon trying to get gravity to help you out. All this time I've been worried! Waiting & waiting... Why won't he ask for directions? What if this is his personality? Stubborn. Today, I think we figured it out- It started with a coupon to baskin-Robbins. I've held on to it for weeks. It expires today and I've brought it up at least 4x today. Finally, after dinner with Grammy, Papa Dale, Charity, & Daddy, I said- lets go use my coupon! (a rule with Papa Dale is that you don't get something unless you go, so he had to come.) So Daddy & Papa Dale were wrapped up in a show, but you, little man, we're craving a cappuccino blast so I said with urgency- lets go Dad! And we left. (now I have to give everyone credit here- Keeley tried to run out the garage but I stopped her, thinking she just wanted ice cream). Suddenly, Papa Dale noticed a body laying on the garage in the house across the street and he ran across to check on our neighbor. Then he told me to call 911. Charity went inside & got Joel. Grammy & I walked over to relay info to the operator, while Joel & Papa Dale checked for vital signs. He was alive, but not coherent. The paramedics came & took him away. Grammy still bought us all ice cream;) See? It was important that you stayed in me long enough to crave ice cream, and to make sure my daddy-o came outside just then & noticed something off. Maybe that's what you were waiting for? Ok, well you can come out now, little hero! Love, Mom & Dad

Sunday, May 20, 2012

You made me clean the house 4 times this week

5 days till we become blubbering babies when we look at you for the first time.... Dear Sweet Boy, I'm tired of waiting for you! Come out! I pray & pray for patience and the ability to live in the moment. I think what God told me was that I am learning to trust you. This is your first big decision- when do you feel ready to enter the world? You are a little person with thoughts and feelings already & just because I have big plans for you, doesn't mean you don't get a little say in things. I've just been bored & achy. I've cleaned the house 4 times this week. I've rented several movies. I've tried all the wive's tales about starting labor (by the way, you like grilled pineapple and raspberry tea a lot!), I've slept, I've organized...meanwhile Dad's been fixing things around the house, working, looking up manly diaper bags and jogging strollers online, comforting me... Grandpa Dale and Grammy Carol both have their bags packed. Dr. White thinks you'll be very easy to deliver even with her sprained finger. Everyone is ready for you! Just sayin' today there is a solar eclipse- that'd make a pretty cool birth story, right? Oh I just can't wait to see what you decide to do... & I'm sure this won't be the last time I feel this way; we will trust your tiny baby brain. Love you lots, Mommy & Daddy (specifically from Daddy- Can't wait to see you! I love you! I can't wait to teach you everything!)

Friday, April 20, 2012

Home Stretch!

35 Days till we can hold your hand....

Dear Baby Deklan,

             I can't wait for you to come out! I am looking so huge (which must mean you're getting pretty big, too). Just about everything is ready for you (Thank Mama's anxiety!). Your room, all your new toys and blankies... even loads of diapers ready to go! You are so loved that we had 3 baby showers! There's even a 4th shower through the military, but that one's a little different. Throughout your whole life, I just want to be able to give you everything you need, (and some things you want)! 

           Our excitement to see you is what carries us on through the next few weeks. Daddy and I are pretty tired and overwhelmed with a few last minute chores like our will, setting up the car seat, car maintenance, school projects etc... but at the end of the day, counting your kicks is what helps me sleep. I'm constantly reminded of what all this hard work is for. 

            Here is a little about what I'm feeling: 
1. When you become a man, please don't be like most of the guys at Daddy's work and tease a pregnant woman about her weight. Ok, so sometimes it is a little funny especially when Grandpa Dale says things... but be tactful and sensitive. 

2. Sometimes, you cannot win. I don't always know how to express my rapidly changing emotions. 

3. Sometimes, I cannot control my behavior! There was one day during therapy that you kicked really hard! I squinted (probably an inappropriate response to some client's sensitive issue) and watched as you nearly kicked my clip board right out of my hand! Also, a drop from nearly every meal ends up on my belly. 

4. My ligaments are about to fall apart. I have to have Daddy help me out of bed/off the couch/out the bath/ etc. If he's not home, I use the bed sheets like a rope to help pull me up to a seated position. 

5. Immense emotional love for you. I never thought I was very good with babies, but I notice a difference in myself now. I talk differently, I'm not afraid to hold little babies, I am nearly brought to tears when I hear a baby cry.   

We Love You! See you soon, babycakes!
Love, Mommy & Daddy

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Bodies Exhibition

70 days to go until we see your wittle face...

Dear Deklan,

       Tonight we went to the Bodies exhibit at the Luxor. They have adult and baby human bodies that were donated to science to be dissected and preserved for education. I learned a couple of pretty neat things seeing how our bodies are all put together-

1. From the time a girl is conceived, she already had all the eggs she will ever have (that means from the time I was conceived, you were already halfway in motion!)
2. Every human spends 1/2 hr as a single cell. Remember when life was so simple?
3. It is encoded in your genes whether you will have a preference for sweet or salty. (I'm convinced I have both, but whatever... what do you like?)
4. A spleen is used to help transport blood in a fetus (you), but in adults it's essentially useless. Oh! so that's why that's there...
It made me think- wow! how God knows you, already!! He knows your favorite candy or chip! He knew that I would give birth to you- YOU! How long exactly has he been lining up these dominoes?? This is amazing.

Your Daddy explained free will and God's plan to me like this- He said he thinks that God knows every possible outcome and our free will chooses the path. God must know every branch/twig/leaf of a tree, every flow to the chart, every exponent of every exponent... WOW.

The part about me choosing anything scares me. I like to think I have no control over anything, not to diffuse accountability, but to refuse the credit. Like your Grandma Carol used to say, "just do your best. everything will work itself out. It just has this amazing way of doing that." and she was right. Every mistake, has it's lesson, every spleen has its purpose...

Remember that when you cry next time. Every tear, every furrow of your brow, every wrinkle on your face was all mapped out from that 1/2 hour you were just a single cell. 1/2 of your genes present inside me when I was inside my mom...

I just realized we proved Grandpa Dale wrong, when he used to tell me, "crying only makes your face ugly" :) God's plan for that specific tear is waaaaaaaaaay more complicated than that.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A warm & fuzzy tail...

80 days to go till I lick your face...

Dear Deklan,

        Hey little bro! I've been excitedly waiting for you to come out. I had to finally find something to distract me until the time comes so mom and dad are taking me to school! They started school tonight with birthing class where I guess they are learning how to get you out. On Saturday I will go to school and learn how to take orders from you, how to resist licking your bottles, and how to protect you on our walks together. Every Tuesday and Thursday, Mommy and Daddy take me on a walk. Sometimes, Mommy brings your stroller so I can practice walking next to it. I walk close to the road and protect even the empty stroller from cars and bugs.

      Last week I had to go to the vet and get spayed. It was scary being in the hospital, but Daddy assured me it would be ok and that I'd see him and Mommy in just a few hours. I felt pretty woozy, but I'm glad I did it because now I'll be even more prepared for you.

     I tried to get Ocki to go with me to school, but he said he's just too smart already. Oh well, he is a pretty good watch kitty. We will take great care of you.

Love, your dog,


Sunday, February 5, 2012

A Day in the Life....

110 Days to go!

Dear Baby Deklan,

         You are growing so fast, now! I wake up everyday thankful you are with me. Here's a look at what a typical week looks like for us:

        SUNDAY: Sit in pajamas next to Daddy while he plays video games. I'm usually on my phone or laptop checking Facebook/email/ Pinterest...Then I make breakfast. Then we get dressed and run some errands or watch TV together. Granny Martin always calls on Sundays. Sometimes several times because she gets forgetful.

MONDAY: Daddy kisses us goodbye around 5 am. I have clients in the morning 10:00 and supervision at my internship site till noon. Then we eat lunch and drive across town to UNLV where I go to class for 3 hrs (where Daddy and I text all day ;), and then see clients again till about 6. The drive home feels long and dangerous because there are terrible drivers in Las Vegas.

 TUESDAY: Daddy goes to work a little later, so sometimes we talk in morning if I wake up early enough. Then we get to lounge around till 12:00. We get ready and go to school at 1:00. It's a long walk from the parking lot and I usually get sleepy by then. I hate Tuesdays because we take diversity class and it always makes me cry in there. The subject matter is too deep for an already hormonal pregnant lady. Then we see clients till about 8:00pm. Long drive home. This is when I used to call Grandma Carol- but now we call Uncle Doug, Grandpa Dale, or Grammie. That's dangerous and usually Grandpa Dale threatens to hang up on me because I'm driving while on the cell phone, but that's a new rule in Nevada and I just get so lonely! When I get home I tell Daddy about my day. Then we watch TV till 9:30pm and go to bed. I usually ask him to hold us.

 WEDNESDAY: Daddy off to work early again. He is training for a 1/2 marathon  that he will do over our anniversary weekend. He gained weight with you  & I and he wants to look good for you by May. You and I go to school at 12:00 today for supervision and clients after that. We get home around 7:00 if we are lucky. Then we call Daddy to preheat the oven or defrost something on our way home. We make dinner, talk about our days, and go to bed.

    THURSDAY: I like Thursdays. Although, I'm tired from the week, now. Did I mention I get up to pee every morning at 1:00am and 4:00am? Thursdays I spend at internship. I only ever have about 4 clients and half no-show. The site is just down the street from the house so it's not too bad. Plus! I know I'll be home by 5:00pm. Plenty of time to cook and relax.

    FRIDAY: My weekend. We sleep in. Daddy still kisses us goodbye like every morning. If we have a Dr. appt, it's usually on this day. That's fun because then we go visit Daddy at work and say hi to his friends. Sometimes, we eat lunch together or bring Keeley with us. Then we go visit Dr. White. She always hugs us, which I find to be kinda weird, but I imagine her teacher saying it helps Dr.'s appear less sterile or something... I don't know- there are just some professions where sterility is OK. Anyway, she's funny and she talks about her sister a lot because she, herself, has never been pregnant; but I hear she is still very good at delivery. You'll meet her soon. She'll probably be the one to pull you out and make some kind of little cute joke. Anyway, Fridays I also usually go grocery shopping, make dinner, blah blah...

  SATURDAY: Home Improvement Day. I am most productive on a Saturday. Errands, painting, organizing, homework, cooking, cleaning, THE WORKS! Boy, I love Saturdays. Sometimes we go to Alliante and watch a UFC fight around 5:00pm. We sit in a big booth will all of Daddy's friends and watch guys pummel each other like modern day gladiators. It's a good time. We also sometimes have a date night on  the weekend. We go to movies or out to eat. It's fun to actually talk like we did before we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and plan our future or be excited about being your mommy/daddy together.

I love you, little guy. XOXO I know you're gonna change up our whole world in great and wonderful ways.

Love always,

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Pregnancy might be easier if I were a mermaid: memoirs from a bathtub

142 days till I snuggle your little baby face off!

Dear Baby Deklan, 

              I think getting out of the bathtub would no longer be a problem. Plus, I imagine there might be less backaches and muscle strains. I could swim around in the warm water all day and never have to worry about fitting into my clothes. Maybe mermaids would mate like seahorses and the male could carry the baby around for a bit. Or better yet, I could lay an egg that I could trade off caring for with Joel or set it down while I feel "normal" for a bit. Boobs would probably stay perky longer, too (sorry, kid). I was just thinkin'....